Saturday, June 21, 2008

I'm noticing more and more about myself these days. The things I'm noticing about myself are not flattering in the least; but it's a damn good thing I am noticing them.

Without these mini-realizations and these new tidbits of self-awareness, I would have gone on obliviously unable to change them. As a human, and a somewhat enlightened one at that, it is important for me to consistently dig down and uncover the aspects of my existence and soul that continually get pushed down and covered by my ego. It is astonishing how quickly and subtly my ego covers up the parts of me that I don't want to know about. The denial that I undertake occurs so quickly and automatically that I wonder how much I have been blinded by my ego's guardianship.

I was at the 404 doing my normal Friday night hanging out in the Denver comedy scene to socialize and work on my act. Throughout the night, this woman, who's a sober regular at this bar (imagine that, a chick who doesn't drink and hangs out at the 404), was there and looked fantastic. I've flirted and chatted with her off and on for quite a while. Tonight, I went in there just beaming with confidence; though lately, there has been a silver lining of emotional pain, even when I'm confident and cheerful. So after some sporadic flirting and some upbeat conversation with her, I go do my set. Another lame summer open mic comedy show. I'm a strong performer, even at rough open mics, but I still have sets where I am dissatisfied with the results or just flat don't do well. I was kickin' ass for the first two and half minutes and then lost the crowd; the small, rowdy, drunken, already listened to 16 comics crowd. Oh yeah and a drunk, annoying comedian who isn't funny and blurts out weird things for attention.So yeah, after getting thrown off my rhythm with a heckle, the set went down hill. Lots of heckling, though I did go into the crowd when I got thrown off-course. But with this drunk bunch of assholes, you give 'em anything and you lose your authority.


So yeah, I'm still feeling ok, but my self-confidence has taken a hit. After some more socializing, I decided to leave. I wanted to get her phone number before I left, so I grabbed a matchbook, wrote her name on it and gave it to her with my pen. She was about to write her number and double backed to do the whole, "no, I'm not giving you my number. But you're so sweet for asking. I can't give this number to you because I've been hanging out with Tim all night." Crunch!! In front of a bunch of people, too. I then said something like, "you wouldn't have given your number to me even if you hadn't hung out with Tim all night." At this point, I had made the whole interaction confrontational. Of course, I persisted. I kept on about why she should be honest instead of giving me some bullshit excuse. She said, "you don't have to be angry." At this point, I've really turned into an angry asshole, though I'm smiling and trying to play it off to save face. I looked her deep in the eyes and said, "I'm not angry." She wasn't buying. She told me I was being self-conscious. I looked at her again and repeated that I wasn't angry. I turned around and walked away, totally deflated. As I walked away, I realized that I was angry. I was in a state of self-loathing. I was a little hurt and engaging in defense mechanisms to deny that deflation of ego. All of this while being self absorbed, stillmore.

As I left and went to my car, I started thinking a little bit differently. I started thinking about owning my shit. Owning my actions; good and bad. My set didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I have to own that. I was angry at one of the audience members who was a real asshole to me after the show ended, as he immersed himself and ingratiated himself in our scene and acted like an arrogant dickhead to build up his ego. I was so angry at him, I considered knocking him out with one punch. Actually considered it. All of this was before I asked the girl for her number. I was angry, I have to own it. I lied to that girl about not being angry; I have to own that too. I am always responsible for my actions whether I am in a good mood or not. I can no longer blame other people, places, or situations for my actions, behavior, and attitude. I have to own it all. I might as well. Those are the few things in this world that I do own. It's all my property in the context of John Locke.

My anger creeps in like a ninja. I'm in denial of it so much. But now I'm starting to catch on. Now, I can change and keep fighting the good fight. All of this stupid anger because of a bruised ego. Fuck that, I should better than that. So the work continues. I will be a better person. A person who is respected and not feared.

I think I owe this girl an apology.

PC